


BAM!

by starzandstrip3s



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman and Robin (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Character Interpretation, Batman (1966) - Freeform, Batman (1966) S3, Batman Adventures, Batman References, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Camp, Canon Gay Relationship, Dick Grayson is Robin, Fan Comics, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-10 23:21:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13511880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starzandstrip3s/pseuds/starzandstrip3s
Summary: Getting away from a heist without care is tricky when in Gotham, especially when a significant discovery is made amid kicks and punches.(In other words, the story of how a beloved Batman '66 trope is only apparent to viewers, and not the characters themselves.)





	BAM!

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, our first fic, how very exciting!  
> Hope anyone enjoys reading this as much as I did writing it, it was so much fun to play around with this idea. Please feel free to leave any words of advice or whatnot, it just might be what was needed.  
> Cheers!  
> -Meg
> 
> (Copyright Disclaimer: This work is purely a fan-made interpretation of the Batman universe and its canon elements, all trademarked by DC Comics. There is no claimed ownership over any of the mentioned characters. As such, this story is made for entertainment purposes only).

“Would you slow down!” Zodiac exclaimed as he slammed into the passenger window, reaching for the dash to get a better grip. The van careened around a tight corner, before it began to accelerate faster out of spite. In the distance, an alarm echoed in the empty streets of Gotham’s early morning. 

 

“I don’t really have a choice, if you haven’t noticed,” Calendar Man replied, squinting in the rearview mirror as he took a shortcut through an adjacent alleyway. The tires screeched in agreement as they shot through the tunnel, headlights dancing off the brick.

 

Zodiac frowned, leaning forward in his seat to look at the mirror outside his door. No one had caught up yet, but it wouldn’t be long. Still, it would be favourable not to crash in their getaway vehicle. Both for the sake of not leaving behind obvious evidence and to not perish in a stupidly mediocre death. If he was going to go, it would be be because he could do nothing to prevent his demise. Therefore, today was not the day. Not if he he could help it.

 

“Where did you even find this relic?” Zodiac questioned, gesturing at the oil stained seats and cracked windshield. “One minute we were breaking out of the museum, and the next you found a ride out of nowhere.”

 

Calendar Man grinned at him, tapping his temple in reply.

 

“I can think my way of a jam, too, thank you very much.”

 

Zodiac stared at him for a moment, gears turning as he thought of what had happened less than five minutes ago. Merging onto the freeway that lead away from downtown, they shot against the asphalt, kicking up clouds of exhaust as the aging van sped along. After a moment, he nodded to himself and raised an eyebrow.

 

“Abandoned underground parking lot?”

 

“Abandoned underground parking lot.” Calendar Man confirmed, glancing at the console in front of him. “I found it when I was checking out the basement, and you were trying to figure out the password to the telescope files. Needed to keep myself busy, y’anno?” 

 

“Never thought to help me out? Grab what you needed?” Zodiac commented, leaning back into his seat as they finally began to coast a little less frantically.

 

Calendar Man turned on the radio and fiddled with the static mess. When it appeared that the device was too broken to provide some musical accompaniment, he swatted it off with a glare before continuing his one-handed leisurely drive on the open road.

 

“You were fine without me! A bit slower than usual, I’m talking-,” he paused, thinking of an estimate, “About twenty-three seconds. But, you are more than capable of handling yourself without my _oh-so_ comforting encouragement.”

 

Zodiac rolled his eyes to the ceiling of the cab and beyond, crossing his arms as he watched the road, not being able to help comparing this time to previous occasions. He then began obsessing internally on how to improve his time, trying to remember what that one journal article he read last week said about efficient problem solving when an overachiever...

 

“And, I did pick up a little something!” Calendar Man beamed, halting all thoughts instantly.

 

The blond tilted his head towards their feet, “In that burlap bag, under your stack of blueprints.”

 

Zodiac peered down at his boots to sure enough spot the rope tassels of the bag on the floor of the van. Reaching down, he hoisted up the fairly heavy parcel and put it on the seat beside him. Calendar Man continued to gaze out the windshield, pretending to be a focused driver, but Zodiac could sense the others giddy excitement over what was found on their latest heist.

 

Carefully untying the stings, he folded the bag down and peeked inside. His contacts strained to see its contents, but after a moment, a streetlamp revealed the shadowy lump to be a stone tablet of some kind. On its surface, intricate patterns and symbols were carved into the rock. Although it was near impossible at first inspection to decipher the meanings, especially due to a lack of proper lighting, the purpose of existence could be plausibly determined.

 

“An Aztec calendar of some kind, to most likely to track the seasons,” Zodiac determined, fastening the bag shut and placing it gingerly under the seat. “What are you going to do with it? Try to summon a rain goddess in order to to flood the city in April?”

 

Calendar Man smacked his lips together in thought, moving over a lane to exit the freeway.

 

“I dunno, I was thinking it would make kind of an interesting coaster for my morning brew,” he mused, shrugging his shoulders. “But, your idea is better, I guess.”

 

Zodiac thought of the other waking grumpily from another night’s sleep, curls disheveled and yawning dramatically as usual near lunchtime. Preparing a mug of dark roast coffee in his  _Gotham Princess 1982_ pageant mug he jokingly bought at a random garage sale. Slumping into the couch to take a large sip, before clunking it on the lovingly preserved tablet; checking his phone as the drink sloshed onto the crumbling stone. 

  

Without intending to, he chuckled out loud at the ridiculous plan, earning a satisfied grin in return.

 

“You know what?” he proposed, looking over at Calendar Man, “Your idea is a lot more interesting, actually.”

 

“Aw, a compliment from you! My life is complete!” Calendar Man gushed happily, poking Zodiac’s cheek affectionately.

 

Zodiac blushed shyly in the shadows, pushing the others hand away with an embarrassed smile.

 

“Shut up, I-,” he stalled, a flash of of colour catching his attention as they approached a bend in the rural road. Against the trees on either side, wisps of red and blue slid over the edges of nearby branches.

 

“Johnny, stop!” he instructed, the brakes lurching them forward on cue.

 

 

Quickly, Zodiac turned the headlights off as well. Calendar Man looked over, gaze darting back and forth between the trees and his passenger.

 

“Cops,” Zodiac explained, gesturing in front of them.

 

“Should we risk going through?” Calendar Man asked, “They might not know it’s us if we just...chill and normally make our way past them. The basement had no active cameras, and I parked the van a street away from the museum before the alarm even went off. We were out of there before any officer would even think to check a street cam.”

 

Zodiac blinked.

 

“I mean,” Calendar Man continued, “Let’s face it, the GCPD needs all the help they can get.”

 

Suddenly, he sat straight in his seat and whipped around to look out his side mirror. Zodiac did the same. Sure enough, in the distance a small Bat signal shone above from where they left not too long before.

 

“Damn it,” Zodiac muttered, sliding his palm over a covered brow in frustration, “They did get help. Obviously.”

 

With a sigh, he regrouped with a new plan. They couldn’t idle here forever, and the best way forward was likely backwards.

 

“Okay, I remember seeing a dead end not too far away from here. On that side street before we made the final right turn. If we ditch the van there, we can go on foot and hide out for the night,” he processed confidently. Calendar Man nodded in agreement, turning to put vehicle in reverse when Zodiac stopped him again.

 

“I’ll drive this time, you be lookout.”

 

“Ethan, I just finished fixing your car after you totalled the fender. Do you really think that’s a good idea?” Calendar Man hesitantly replied, drumming his fingers on the gearshift.

 

Zodiac glared at his partner, mostly due to the jab at his recent driving mishap and not the fact that they needed to get out their predicament quickly, unless they had a preference for orange jumpsuits and boredom galore.

 

“Look, that street light shouldn’t have been so close to the sidewalk. I just brought attention to its flaw,” he shrugged, forcing Calendar Man to the other side by climbing over him to the wheel.

 

“If you kill me in an accident of yours...” Calendar Man warned, stabbing an accusing finger, “I will not be happy,” he finished lamely.

 

Zodiac glanced over his shoulder, backing up to turn around. He carefully made his way around the bend, switching the headlights back on again now that they were out of range.

 

“You will not be anything,” he argued, “You’ll be dead. So.”

 

“Who says I can’t come back as a reincarnated houseplant or something?” Calendar Man retorted, “A very bitter cactus. Just consider it.”

 

“If I knew you were then a cactus out to get me, you would just become an easy birthday present for Pam.”

 

“Fair enough,” Calendar Man decided with a snort, as they pulled into the dead end.

 

Parking within the shadows as closely as possible, they grabbed their loot and put it all into the burlap sack that held the tablet. It was fairly large, so the blueprints would not be crinkled too bad in the process. Exiting the van as quietly as possible, they made their way out of the long alleyway towards the street.

 

“As for where we should go,” Zodiac whispered, adjusting the rope over his shoulder, “I was thinking-”

 

“Back behind bars, where you belong?” echoed a theatrical voice from the other side of the alley.

 

Suddenly, a spotlight surrounded them in a blinding light. They both squinted, throwing their hands up as the familiar ride crawled closer. The car eventually slowed to a stop, as the spotlight continued to illuminate the confined space. Gotham’s vigilante came towards them first, carrying a megaphone in his hand. Robin followed, trotting to stand beside his leader with an eager spark in his eye. 

 

“Enough is enough, you thieving prowlers!” Robin chimed with a shout, punching his fist against his hand in emphasis.

 

“Can you say that again into the bat-a-phone, boy wonder?” Calendar Man requested with a mischievous smirk, gesturing an upturned digit to the device in Batman’s grasp. “I don’t think we heard you.”

 

Robin reached for the megaphone, but was stalled when Batman shook his head at him.

 

“He is asking in jest, Robin. Isn’t that right?” he addressed Zodiac.

 

“What?” he deadpanned, making Calendar Man bark out a laugh before he sucked in his lips in an attempt to control himself.

 

Batman’s stare flickered between the two rogues, as he adjusted his stance, hands on hips like the heroic icon he was.

 

“We can settle this reasonably, gentlemen. Just hand over what was stolen from your escapade, and I will advise the good judge to decrease your sentence for being so agreeable tonight,” he stated.

 

Zodiac caught Calendar Man’s eye with a raised brow, before observing the man of justice with schooled calm.

 

“Calling us gentlemen is just as incorrect as defining your legal system as good. Last time I checked, a quarter of last years unsolved cases were quickly claimed as solved by polygraph test. Polygraph tests, Batman. Surely the world’s greatest detective can see something wrong with that?”

 

Batman let out an exhale roughly through his nose before meeting the other’s eye.

 

“The offer still stands,” he murmured. Turning to Robin, he nodded to the bag draped over Zodiac’s shoulder. Robin nervously glanced over to Zodiac, who stared back with a defiant lift of his chin.

 

“Oh, darn it...don’t try anything,” he said warily to the taller man, taking a step closer with an outreached hand.

 

“No promises,” Zodiac countered bluntly, seeing that made Robin wince as he quickly snatched the rope and pulled it over the other’s arm.

 

Handing it over to Batman, he shuffled in place as he ran a hand awkwardly over his neck.

 

“Good job, Robin,” Calendar Man cracked, with a light pattering of his hands before raising them up again. Batman was clearly trying not to snap at either of them as he took the bag from Robin, swiftly opening it and examining the contents. After a moment, he handed the bag back to his sidekick.

 

“Put this in the bat-mobile for me, chum.”

 

“What was in-”

 

“Nevermind, just do it,” he ordered sternly.

 

Robin pouted, but spun on his heel to the trunk of the car.

 

 

“What was the devious intent this time, you scheming scoundrels?” he queried with ease, “Using the stars to summon a rain deity, that would inflict upon this city history’s most disastrous storm...in April?”

 

“Research blueprints, to help build my own better version of the telescope in Exhibit G,” Zodiac corrected, “What I will do once I’m finished with it has yet to be determined.”

 

“And for you, Calendar Man?”

 

“Uh, a makeshift coaster.”

 

“...You’re using a precious Aztec tablet as a surface for beverages?”

 

“Yessir.” 

 

“Holy irresponsibility, Batman!” Robin cried somewhere from behind the car.

 

A muffled thunk then could be heard before an “Owzers!” followed.

 

“ _Owzers_?” mouthed a perplexed Calendar Man at Zodiac, who was still keeping an eye on the dark knight.

 

Batman cleared his throat, getting the conversation back on track.

 

“For whatever reasons you are using to justify your actions, what you have done is still a crime. Therefore, get in the bat-mobile on your own, or with Robin and I helping you."

 

Zodiac eyed Robin, who now walked up to stand beside Batman, rubbing a spot on the back of his chestnut head. Noticing the noodle arms on the other, he guffawed to himself.

 

“Whether compliant or not, doing it on our own would be easier in this case. However, neither of us don’t give in so easy.”

 

“In other words, can we put our hands down now, so we can carry on this shindig our way?” Calendar Man clarified with a condescending tone, cracking his knuckles with a squeeze of his hands.

 

Batman and Robin looked at each other, before nodding and charging toward their opposite.

 

 

As Batman ran toward Zodiac, the other ran towards the brick wall behind him. Just as the kevlar-covered hero was about to catch up, he sprung high off the wall and flipped backward towards the car, landing on the hood in a crouch.

 

Simultaneously, Calendar Man was blocking and throwing punches as Robin did the same with no success up until then, most likely bickering as they did the previous and only time the two pairs had battled it out.

 

“ _No_ , you can't call me _Turdus_ , you degrading date-obsessed buffoon!” Robin yelped, scandalized, as he landed a punch on the jaw of Calendar Man.   

 

_POW!_

 

Zodiac’s eyes widened in shock as he saw a literal spelling out of the sound _POW!_ fade away in a pink chalk-like mist as the two continued their match, unfazed by their surroundings.

 

Feeling like time itself was slowed as he knelt on the hood, he could of sworn he heard...a trumpet? What was that? What did he eat today? He couldn’t be poisoned...could he? Spoiled refrigerated quinoa?

 

Oh, God.

 

 _“No, stop it,”_ he chided in his head.

 

Shaking himself out of these thoughts, he snapped to consciousness to find Batman’s boot kicking him off the hood. He slammed on the pavement, his ears ringing with another blare of trumpet. He looked up just in time to see a green _WHAM!_ float away into the air. Equally puzzled and disturbed, he stood up quickly, determined to witness a hit to one of the dynamic duo and observe any other quirks. As him and Batman sparred, he realized at once that instruments were orchestrating the whole time, taking on a life of its own.

 

Beside him, Calendar Man ducked under a kick to the chest, pin-knife in hand, before lunging at Robin to hold him in a headlock. As he wound his arm back to stab the boy in the chest in return, the boy wonder swung his heel back into Calendar Man’s shin with a complimentary _BAM!_ in an orange blurb. Calendar Man bit back a scream as he kicked Robin’s turned back to the ground, nothing odd appearing as their dual continued.

 

Back to focusing mainly on his own confrontation, Zodiac noted an opportunity to slam Batman’s head into the wall and so took it. Just as nothing happened to Robin, same effect to his opponent. 

 

 

“Wait, wait!” he called out to the group, making a time-out gesture.

 

On cue, the music stalled as well. Baffled by just the suggestion of a break, everyone else stopped mid-step and move.

 

“Nobody else is noticing any of this?” he stressed, waving at the air, “The music, the-the, word art?”

 

Calendar Man let go of Robin’s collar from between his fists, dropping him back on the ground. Robin stared agape from his seat on the pavement, not seeming to care about being so uncomfortably put down.

  

Batman leaned against the wall, aware of the interruption for the most part, but still somewhat fazed from being hit in the face with a wall.

 

“Notice any of what?” Calendar Man asked, twirling his pin-knife. 

 

Exasperated, Zodiac marched over to Calendar Man and stood in front of him.

 

“Forgive me,” he whispered sheepishly.

 

“Why-” Calendar Man responded, but then was slapped hard across the face before another word could be uttered.

 

Behind Zodiac, a purple _OUCH!_ sprouted into existence, before drifting away a moment later.

 

“Wow, do that again!” Robin encouraged, jumping up and down on his toes, “That was incredible!”

 

Calendar Man scowled at him, rubbing his cheek and the imprint that was slowly fading.

 

“No, let’s not do that again. I get it now, too.”

 

 

Batman joined the group at the opposite wall, completing their circle.

 

“Until we fully understand what is causing this bizarre phenomena, we should abstain from acknowledging it further. It will only cause hysteria for both sides.”

 

“How will not acknowledging it at all lead to better understanding?” Zodiac implored, “If anything, it will just make the situation worse.”

 

Calendar Man put a hand on his shoulder.

 

“I think he means not acknowledging what is going on between _our side_ , between _their side_ is how it will be figured out,” he offered, gesturing to the corresponding groups. 

 

“Precisely,” Batman agreed.

 

“Which, is not okay,” Calendar Man added, “If you insist on us keeping quiet until you figure it out with the rest of your do-gooders, that is not happening. It’s either we only talk about it between us four, or we ignore it all together.”

 

“No way are we working with you, fiends.” Robin protested, crossing his arms in an attempt to be intimidating.

 

Batman looked down at Robin, who made a panicked expression between his mentor and the two rogues.

 

“I agree with Robin. It’s settled, no word of what has occurred will be spoke of between us or anyone else. A mutual agreement, if you will,” he concluded, speaking intently to each of them.

 

Zodiac thought the deal over, chewing his lip.

 

“Well, it’s your fault if anything concerning becomes of it. Also, you can return what we stole, on the condition that you let us go,” he decided out loud.

 

He paused for extra measure, then satisfied with his choice, held out his hand to shake with the dark knight.

 

Batman surprisingly shook his, then Calendar Man’s hand without much thought. When Robin held out his glove, they shook to be safe. 

 

“Time to go, my fellow caped crusader,” Batman declared, heading toward the bat-mobile.

 

“Coming!” Robin called, but stayed in place within the circle.

 

When Batman closed the door to the car, Robin leaned toward them.

 

“If I hear that either of you have so much as mentioned a _word_ about tonight to another criminal” he hissed, “you both are _fu_ -”

 

“Robin!” Batman bellowed out the window with his megaphone, “ _Now_!”

 

“Gosh, I’ll be right there!” he sweetly waved, Batman narrowing his eyes at him before he rolled the window up again.

 

“ _One_ word, guys,” he threatened as he stared up at them.

 

“Noted,” Zodiac smirked, “Thanks for the warning.”

 

“Later, Robin-ator,” Calendar Man joined, grin widening when Robin gave him a particularly adolescent look.

 

He jogged up to the bat-mobile and slammed the door, the car quickly pulling out and away with a beastly roar.

 

The two of them then stood in the blackness of the alley, no longer without the loot or the crisp stealth they had entered with.

 

“That sucks that you gave away your blueprints,” Calendar Man stated into the void, “You really were looking forward to getting those.”

 

Zodiac went to the passenger seat of the van still sitting behind them, grabbing something from the seat.

 

“I wouldn’t be much of a thief if I easily gave my stash away!” Zodiac replied, turning on his phone and showing Calendar Man the photos he snapped of all the blueprints before they had escaped. “That’s why I was a few seconds longer.”

 

“Twenty-three seconds, to be exact.”

 

“Ah, I forgot. Thanks for reminding me. Again.”

 

After deciding not to risk taking the van, they began walking out of the alleyway and towards their apartment about a half hour walk away, meandering down the sidewalk as the first streams of dawn began to break through the clouds.

 

“If we manage to make it home and change before sunrise, wanna do breakfast?” Calendar Man asked, bumping his arm against Zodiac’s, “My treat.”

 

“You’re not just being nice, it’s because you want pancakes, right?” Zodiac guessed, knowing the other’s priorities when it came to this subject.

 

“Both! To prove my niceability, I’ll even buy you as many muffins as you want. Blueberry.”

 

Zodiac enjoyed the thought of endless muffins, blueberry in particular, but couldn’t help but cringe at the made up word. A nerdy annoyance, but one that he thought was valid.

 

“Fine, as long as I get to coaster shop for you on the way there. To make it even.”   

 

“Deal!”

 

~~*********~~

 

An hour later, they sat in a booth inside their favourite diner. As Ethan watched out the window, Johnny rambled off their order to the elderly waitress.

 

“-finally, two blueberry muffins and a steeped tea for him,” he finished, thumbing to the opposite end of the booth.

 

Scribbling the last few words down with a flourish, the waitress put the pen and notebook inside her apron.

 

“I’ll be out with your drinks in a moment, be right back!" 

 

“No problem, take your time,” Johnny insisted, flashing her a friendly wink before turning back to Ethan.

 

He watched Ethan daydreaming out the window for a moment, chin resting on his palm and glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. It took almost a minute for him to snap out of whatever he had been focused on, clearing his throat and pushing the frames back into place.

 

“Hi,” Johnny teased, leaning forward to rest his arms on the table. 

 

“Hey,” Ethan replied, “I’m guessing you want to see the coaster I picked out for you.”

 

Johnny fiddled with his leather bracelet, adjusting the strap that always felt just a little too loose for his wrist.

 

“I was just trying to be more interesting than that tree out there, but sure.”

 

Ethan grabbed a white box beside him, putting it between them on the table.

 

Digging his fingers under the tucked in lid and tugging it open, Johnny then plucked out the bundle of wrapping paper nestled on top and crumpled it into a ball. About to put it on the table, he changed his mind last minute and tossed it at Ethan’s head. A bad decision, really, as it was swiftly caught and chucked back with better aim.

 

“Would you get on with it?” Ethan prodded lightly, as the other finally reached in to find the purchase with fake reluctance. Looking at the cover of the coaster, Johnny glanced back up with a playful roll of his eyes.

 

“Sip happens, _really_?”

 

“I thought it was appropriate, considering this morning's events and all.”

 

Back with their beverages, the waitress returned with two steaming mugs in hand.

 

“Oh, look at that!” she marvelled, looking at the coaster still in hand, “That’s a good pun, if I do say so myself.”

 

Ethan blew the steam off his tea nonchalantly, tilting his head to view her name-tag.

 

“Try telling him that, Dolores. Some people just don’t have good taste anymore.”

 

Dolores gave a pitying look to Ethan, then peered at Johnny through her wire rimmed glasses.

 

“Young man, thank your friend for the lovely coaster.”

 

Johnny regarded Ethan across from him, who was now smugly looking back at him.

 

“Thanks, buddy,” he cooed, placing his coffee onto the coaster to demonstrate his admiration for it. 

 

Satisfied with her work, Dolores went to check on a nearby table.

 

“I can swap it with something else,” Ethan reassured, “No point in keeping it if you don’t like that one.” 

 

“Stop it. I really do like it, especially since my _friend_ got it for me. She wasn’t totally wrong, I’ll give her that.”  

 

“ _Bam!_ ” Ethan approved with a raise of his mug, a toast they both could agree to.    


End file.
